


The Avengers' Babysitters' Club

by noelia_g



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-30
Updated: 2012-05-30
Packaged: 2017-11-06 07:38:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/416367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/noelia_g/pseuds/noelia_g
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony and Steve adopt Peter. It's hard to find a suitable babysitter, even if you're Tony Stark (or especially when you're Tony Stark). Unapologetic fluff, no spoilers for the movie, written as a Christmas' gift for a friend and now translated into English.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Avengers' Babysitters' Club

“I’m not sure I understand this,” Fury says slowly. Tony holds back a helpful comment about slow thought processes and capital letters. “Iron Man and Captain America can’t attend the debriefing because, and I quote, the kid has a slight fever and it’s the nanny’s day off.”

Tony nods. “It’s not that complicated. I’ll call Coulson, he can explain.”

He was doing so well. Fury doesn’t look amused.

(On the other hand, Tony saw an amused Fury twice. He’d like to forget both of those times, and he thinks that he shares the sentiment with most of the Department of Defence and definitely with the Vive-President.)

“I can understand that Captain Rogers wishes to stay home,” Fury continues, ignoring Tony’s interjection. “But why you?

Tony doesn’t know how to explain without launching into the whole story. He shrugs instead. “If I try to talk myself out of the bedtime story I will be sleeping on the couch?”

On second thought, this might not be an excuse the director of SHIELD will accept. Especially since Fury looks like he wants to throw something at the wall every time Tony reminds him he’s shacked up with a national hero.

(DADT has been repelled, sure, but Tony has a knack for pissing of the congress, right and left. On one hand, he deals in weapons, and on the other, he is well acquianted with Captain America’s penis. Only Jon Stewart seems happy, he never runs out of material.)

It’s really Steve’s fault, all of it.

*

Fine, the initial idea might have been Tony’s, but did he have a choice? Have you seen Steve Rogers’ face when he really wants something but doesn’t want to ask? Add an image of a kid who wants a puppy.

And then it was worse, because said puppy was really a three years old kid who just lost his relatives.

Lost them when a bridge was destroyed during a fight between the Avengers and they Hydra agents. 

It really couldn’t have been worse. Or maybe it could, because Steve was the one who pulled the kid out of his aunt and uncle’s car. Aunt and uncle, because the parents died the year before. 

Really, what choice did Tony have, apart from suggesting they took care of the kid?

“Find him a non-dysfunctional family and establish a trust fund?” Pepper asked when he was trying to explain. “No, that would be too simple for Tony Stark. Better find him two fathers who spend most of their time risking their lives all over the world. And the universe.”

Tony wished he could tell her to shut up, but couldn’t, because the last time he tried she really stopped speaking to him for a week, since she took a first time off in four years and went to London. This was the worst week in Tony’s life, and he counts the time spent in captivity in Afghanistan. 

He shrugged instead. “Just look at them,” he said, waving his hand in the general direction of Peter and Steve, who were trying to built a castle from the building blocks. Or, Steve was trying, and Peter was doing his best to smash it to bits with a replica of Thor’s hammer. Doing a good job out of it, too.

Pepper let out a heavy sigh, not the one that meant that Tony was in trouble but the one that came out when Tony was _right about something_ and she hated to admit it. “Yeah, okay. But if you think you can get out of the interview about the adoption, you are sorely mistaken.”

“Half an hour. I’m picking the journalist.”

“You must be joking. I already booked Ellen.”

“Have I fired you recently?” he asked, to her great amusement. Peter turned at the sound of Pepper’s laughter and reached out for Tony. 

Fine, the whole idea was Tony’s, and it was a brilliant one. 

*

The only problem (fine, not the only one. One of the main ones. One of the problems.) is that Pepper was right.

This is more of an annoyance than a problem, because Pepper is usually right, but this time it is not enough to smile and admit his mistake and wait for Pepper to solve the problem.

Pepper was right about Steve and Tony having complicated jobs. Tony has two, but he’s great at avoiding one of them.

In the other one, he mostly avoid fire. And water, lightning, big rocks thrown at him with inhumanly strength, and, sometimes, _magic_.

No, Tony doesn’t get it either, no matter how many times Thor tries to explain it’s just like Earth’s science. Tony has discovered a new element, he knows science, thank you very much. Rainbow bridges and magic hammers are beyond him, and he’s a genius.

(Jane Foster doesn’t agree with him, sure. Yet another reason for Tony’s hatred of Jane Foster. That girl can make a nordic god become boring and domestic and holed up in the house instead of going out and partying. Unfortunately, Steve _likes_ Jane, of course. Tony would like to say Steve has no taste, but whenever he tries, someone is bound to point out that Steve _likes_ Tony.

So what happens is that Jane visits often, brings Peter educational toys, and Tony locks himself up in the workshop and bangs metal things against other metal things until Dummy gets annoyed and doses him with fire extinguisher.

Dummy likes Jane. But Dummy really has no taste.)

But, back to the problem. The problem is that it’s fucking difficult to find a good babysitter nowadays.

And by a good babysitter Tony means someone who, firstly, won't quit because Tony says something mean. That’s how he expresses sympathy, everyone knows that.

Secondly, someone who will understand, accept, and remember, the whole list of dos and dont’s created by Steve. And it’s not that Tony doesn’t find Steve’s worrying adorable. (Not that he’ll admit he does. Or use the word “adorable” in any way other than mockery, mostly aimed at Steve.) But their approaches to raising a kid differ a tad. Steve would like to bundle Peter up in a blanket and feed him carrots. Tony thinks that sticking your fingers in the electric socket is an important life lesson and the perfect second breakfast is leftover chinese.

(Fine, maybe he doesn’t really think that. But sometimes pissing Steve off is too fun to stop. Especially since Steve caught on to the rules and usually just finds ways to shut Tony up before Tony can even start getting warmed up.)

Thirdly, the babysitter needs to be able to deal with the attacks from Hydra, kidnapping attempts, viruses in JARVIS’ system taking control over the house and trying to kill everyone, or Bruce Banner in a cranky mood. 

Oh, and have the clearance adequate for a CIA director.

So, there’s not much choice. 

Especially since Coulson announced that babysitting isn’t in his job description.

(Doesn’t mean he stopped coming by. He usually maintains that someone has to make sure the kid isn’t traumatised for life, especially since one of his fathers is Tony Stark and the other entered a relationship with Tony Stark out of his own free will and so probably suffers from a weird form of PTSD. 

Phil is a teddy bear and loves Peter. And Tony, though he’d never admit that. Doesn’t matter, Tony knows.)

*

They’ve managed to convince Fury to look after Peter once during a mission.

The end result was that Steve was trying for two weeks to dissuade Peter from saying “go the fuck to sleep” every evening at bedtime. 

*

If things were different (read: Before Steve, but of course Before Steve Tony would never be in this situation in the first place), Tony would just convince Pepper to look after Peter while he was out.

By “convince” he of course means whining until she gave in. Or castrated him with her heel. The uncertainty and excitement is important in their relationship.

But, as Pepper unfortunately wisely notes, she’s already looking after one of Tony’s babies. Tony usually says something along the lines it being more of his stepbrother, considering his father’s approach to the company... but that sparks a discussion on how Steve knew Tony’s father when Howards was younger than Tony is now and... it all gets a bit weird.

All Pepper’s fault.

From lack of other options (Pepper), Tony makes a deal with Darcy. Darcy is one of the very few people all three of them can agree they like. Steve thinks her a charming young lady (no, really, the exact quote. No, Tony doesn’t know either.) Tony is impressed by her trash talk skills. And Peter likes when she reads him stories because apparently she’s the best at voices. Darcy was also the person to give Peter his first camera, a cheap supermarket-bought toy that Peter now carries everywhere and even sleeps with it, instead of a teddy bear. 

Unfortunately, Darcy has a second (and actual) job and doesn’t want to move in with them. She also goes away to tramp around mountains and deserts and stare aimlessly at the sky. (Also Jane Foster’s fault.)

Tony tried to bribe her, and when that didn’t work, blackmail her, but Darcy laughed in his face, patted him on the shoulder, and announced that if she were to put all the photos taken by Peter on facebook it would not only piss off Fury and most of the NSA (and CIA, and three FBI directors, at least) but also ruin Tony’s entire reputation. 

Especially the photo with the ducks blanket, a tiara, and three dolls.

In short, Darcy is scarier than Fury before his first coffee.

*

Surprisingly, the biggest success is leaving Peter with Clint and Natasha.

Natasha’s first reaction is, of course, “no.” The next ones are the following: “No way.” “No, even if you pay me.” “Which letter in ‘no’ do you not understand, Stark?” and, of course, the always charming, “I’ll hit you.”

Natasha has other stuff to do, beginning with a pile of reports and ending with a guest training assignment with the CIA, which amounts to wiping the floor with a string of agents who either burst out crying or line up to ask her to dinner. Sometimes both.

Tony changes his tactic. His new tactic is calling Clint.

He’s very proud of his strategic thinking. Natasha won’t even know what hit her.

Clint, of course, agrees immediately. 

Peter loves Clint, especially when he teaches the kid using a plastic bow to shoot a series of stuffed animals and plastic soldiers, but Natasha turns out to be Peter’s favourite. It freaks her out.

“Tasha!” Peter yells the moment she appears, running towards her, arms extended. “Chopper!” he yells, climbing her like a tree.

The kid knows how to climb anything. He’s not scaling the walls yet, but it’s a matter of time.

“Get down,” Natasha says sharply, adding something in Russian, making Steve raise his eyebrows and Clint try and contain a snort.

Peter, obviously, repeats it immediately, and then adds stubbornly “Chopper!”

Peter’s favourite passtime when Natasha visits is to be tossed in the air so he spins at least three times before Natasha catches him. Tony realises Natasha uses the same skills she utilises to break spines of people three times her size.

“It’s sort of charming,” Clint says, his eyes taking on that glassy look that pisses Tony off in anyone but Steve. He decides not to mock Clint, though, and instead focuses his energy on mentally planning the bachelor’s party.

For Natasha. Pepper can take care of organising Clint’s hen night.

*

No matter who they talk into babysitting Petter, every night out ends up with Tony finding an excuse to come back earlier.

Fortunately Steve is too good a person to mock him (besides, Tony is doing him a favour by finding the excuses). 

“He ate,” Natasha tells them. “Then we watched cartoons,” she adds with distaste. Natasha has Opinions about cartoons, though Tony is certain she loves Phineas and Ferb. He caught her humming the theme song once.

Clint doesn’t say anything, because he’s conked out on the couch, covered with the infamous ducks blanket. Tony really wants to take a photo of him and hang it in the headquarters but he’s afraid the attempt would end up with Natasha breaking something of his. The camera or his arm, one of the two.

“Thanks for everything,” Steve smiles at her, always the picture of politeness. Natasha waves her hand at him and pulls Clint off the couch, tossing him over her shoulder. Tony bites his tongue, it’s too good. 

Natasha pauses in the doorway, hesitating briefly. “If you need someone for the next Saturday, we have time,” she says and then glares at Tony, just in case he wanted to say anything.

“Great, thanks,” Tony says. Only that, because Steve has already kicked him in the ankle, and when Captain America kicks you in the ankle, you really feel it.

Natasha nods and closes the doors with her free hand.

Tony, with a few seconds delay, kicks back, mostly because it’s one of the ways to get Steve’s attention. “The kid is asleep, babysitters are gone, what shall we do?” he asks, drawing out his words pointedly. 

Steve rolls his eyes. “In five minutes you’ll want to go and check on Peter. So maybe go now and I’ll make some cocoa and join you in a bit.”

For a counter proposal, this is a great one.

Not that Tony will admit this is his favourite way to spend an evening. He doesn’t want it ending up on Darcy’s facebook or on the wall in the HQ.

Besides, there’s really no much space left since they hanged Peter’s photos.


End file.
